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Sports » uk.sport.football » [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes
| [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #980588] |
Thu, 27 April 2006 18:06 |
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"Make a little birdhouse in your soul" sang madcap American indie-popsters
They Might Be Giants on their hit record, "Birdhouse In Your Soul". I've no
idea what this means or how it pertains to football.
In other news, The FA appear to have offered their top job to Johnny
Foreigner again, leading to much disappointment on the faces of many
xenophobes. In a statement I just made up, the FA had this to say:
"After careful consideration of all the applicants, we have come to the
conclusion that they are a bit rubbish. Curbishley can't keep star players
happy, Allardyce will have us playing a long-ball game and McClaren doesn't
know his arse from his fucking elbow. We felt that by securing the services
of Mr Scolari, we might at least not get knocked out of the next World Cup
by his team".
Meanwhile, Arsenal secured their ticket to a dream Champion's League final
against Barcelona following a dramatic last-minute penalty save from curly
haired German grumpy-pants Jens Lehmann, who later tested positive for
traces of totalfluke.
Middlesbrough hope to emulate this success against some Eastern European
team or other tonight, but have a 1-0 deficit to overturn and a crestfallen
English manager in charge. It doesn't look good.
On to the games.
==
Saturday, 29 April 2006
Chelsea v Man Utd, 12:30
We kick off with teh Big One, in which Man Utd make one final desperate
fling at the title. They need a win this match by two goals or so, and then
for Chelsea to lose away to Blackburn and Newcastle while they thrash Boro
and Charlton at home. It's possible, I suppose. But unlikely. When asked
if he's feeling the pressure, Mourinho, clearly on something of a charm
offensive after his unpopular Keeganesque CL tirades, made a joke about
bird-flu. Good on him.
Prediction: Physical encounter ends all-square as Chelsea take the title,
with a delighted Mourinho waving like a girl from the sideline.
Player in the frame: PFA Young Mongoloid of the Year, Wayne Rooney.
2-2
==
Birmingham v Newcastle, 15:00
Brum now find themselves fighting it out with Portsmouth for next year's
last remaining Premiership place, and could have picked a better time to
face that most elusive of creatures, the lesser-spotted in-form Newcastle.
Temporary Toongaffer Glen Roeder, previously best known for his role in
relegating an excellent West Ham side, looks unlikely to get the job full
time but won't have done his CV any harm with this mini-revival which sees
Newcastle almost mounting a kind of mock-Eurochallenge for a laugh. Steve
'BumFace' Bruce, who has a face like a bum, was reported to be bumlike in
the facial region at the thought of his own face.
RIP Kullrad \m/
Prediction: Rubbishcunt lamos lose shitmatch to not-proper football team.
Player in the frame: Michael Owen, set to hobble on and pretend he's not
injured anymore so he can go to the World Cup and underperform. Says he got
the idea from David Beckham four years ago.
0-2
==
Liverpool v Aston Villa, 15:00
Just like Man Utd, Liverpool still have something vaguely left to play for.
Just three points, -1 games in hand and nine goals of goal-difference
separate them from 2nd place, and with it automatic CL qualification. They
should make fairly light work of a particularly rubbishcunt Aston Villa side
who haven't even guaranteed Premiership safety yet. Stevie G was named PFA
footballer of the year this week, and his side have reached yet another cup
final following another strong performance against Chelsea last Sunday.
Fairly positive times at Anfield then.
Prediction: Comfortable home cocksex.
Player in the frame: Robbie Fowler, seemingly rejuvenated at Anfield, quite
possibly off to Bolton at the end of the season.
2-0
==
Man City v Fulham, 15:00
What the fuck happened to Man City? They were going great at one point, and
everyone was talking about 'Pearce for England' and all that. Then they
lost ten games in a row or something and took their place amongst the
Premiership's also-rans, which currently stretches from Bolton down to
Fulham. Relegation is impossible for both these teams, as is European
qualification, so it's hard to see where the excitement could come from for
this game. What's my motivation here?
Cunts.
Prediction: It really doesn't matter.
Player in the frame: None of them.
2-1
==
Middlesbrough v Everton, 15:00
See the above.
1-1
==
Wigan v Portsmouth, 15:00
Wigan have been great this year, no two ways about it. Youksef
Correspondent Chopsy must be utterly delighted with the JJB's first season
of Premiership football, which could end up being the first of many.
Despite an almost Charltonesque drop in form towards the end of the season
in which vague hopes of Europe have evaporated, Jewell's boys have done
themselves proud and will go into next season with great confidence. The
same cannot be said of Portsmouth, who fight against relegation once more as
the end of the season draws in. Redknapp's revival looks to have kicked off
just in time, though, with his flock of fledgling signings finally coming
good in the last few matches to lift them out of the 'they're fucked' zone
and into the position of 'least likely to go down out of those who are quite
likely'. Not least of which, Pedro Mendes. Lua Lua as also been in good
form, although could miss this match due to a persistent foot injury which
he aggravated doing 'that silly somersault', as his Gaffer puts it.
I miss Cypher. :-<
Prediction: Late Wigan equaliser sees Portsmouth not out of it yet.
Player in the frame: Henri Camara: I wish he'd signed for Charlton.
2-2
==
Charlton v Blackburn, 17:15
Nothing much new at The Valley this year. Couple of decent players came in
but they didn't stick around long, Murphy joining the massed ranks of
Tottenham midfielders in the transfer window and Smertin leaving some time
later. Yep, it's the traditional end-of-season collapse, which started a
little later than usual this year but in fine style against Bolton, a match
for which Charlton didn't even really turn up. They didn't see the point,
and neither do I. This match is no different. Blackburn are rubbish, but
not quite as rubbish as they used to be, and could even challenge for Europe
if they were only slightly less rubbish.
Prediction: A load of rubbish
Player in the frame: Darren Bent, still scoring, but still probably not
quite good enough to offer the England team anything of great use.
1-1
==
Sunday, 30 April 2006
Tottenham v Bolton, 16:00
With a coveted fourth-place finish now within touching distance, Spurs need
maximum points against a stuttering Bolton side to edge closer. Martin Jol
has worked wonders at the Lane this year, signing no less than twenty-eight
midfielders to add to their existing fourteen. Nobody knows why. Bolton
finally broke their losing streak last week, but only against end-of-season
Charlton who anyone can beat. They should be back to losing ways again this
weekend.
Prediction: Spurs edge dull match
Player in the frame: Robbie Keane, in the form of his life.
1-0
==
Monday, 01 May 2006
Oh, fuck off. I'm not doing all those.
--
Joe
Pay it fast it will be great..!!!
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| Re: [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #980603 ] |
Fri, 28 April 2006 07:03 |
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"Joe Horowitz" <my_name [at] youblunder.co.youghey> wrote in
news:D_54g.42727$xt.27337 [at] fe3.news.blueyonder.co.uk:
> "Make a little birdhouse in your soul" sang madcap American
> indie-popsters They Might Be Giants on their hit record, "Birdhouse In
> Your Soul". I've no idea what this means or how it pertains to
> football.
Don't Liverpool have some kind of shag thing on their crest? The tune is
saying that they'll win at Millennium Stadium isn't it? Well, you didn't
say what year so you're not getting me with that one.
>
> In other news, The FA appear to have offered their top job to Johnny
> Foreigner again, leading to much disappointment on the faces of many
> xenophobes. In a statement I just made up, the FA had this to say:
>
I thought it was time for a Kiwi Manager personally. They're little and
furry and can't run fast. A bit like Peter Reid really.
>
> Meanwhile, Arsenal secured their ticket to a dream Champion's League
> final against Barcelona following a dramatic last-minute penalty save
> from curly haired German grumpy-pants Jens Lehmann, who later tested
> positive for traces of totalfluke.
Great goalkeeping!!11mostrelievedmaninEurope!!1one!
>
> Middlesbrough hope to emulate this success against some Eastern
> European team or other tonight, but have a 1-0 deficit to overturn and
> a crestfallen English manager in charge. It doesn't look good.
>
I'm pleased to see them get to a final after the disappointments of last
weekend.
> On to the games.
>
> ==
> Saturday, 29 April 2006
>
> Chelsea v Man Utd, 12:30
> ==
> Birmingham v Newcastle, 15:00
> ==
> Liverpool v Aston Villa, 15:00
> ==
> Man City v Fulham, 15:00
> ==
> Middlesbrough v Everton, 15:00
> ==
> Wigan v Portsmouth, 15:00
> ==
> Charlton v Blackburn, 17:15
> ==
> Sunday, 30 April 2006
> Tottenham v Bolton, 16:00
> ==
WTF are these cunts?
>
> Oh, fuck off. I'm not doing all those.
>
>
Oooh ooh, I'll do one.
Monday, 1 May 2006
20:00 UK West Brom v West Ham
Haydon Mullins begins the bitterest of bitter bans for the Hammers at
West Brom this weekend. Opinion has slowly come round to the fact that
Mullins is one of the most key players in West Ham's defence, a defence
that often looks like the most civilised and welcoming in the league.
With deficiencies at Right Back as well, this could be a great chance for
West Brom to poke us with their penises.
Unfortunately for them, they're looking a bit microcock atm, with
Ellington returning from injury, and bizarrely being linked to a Wigan
return, and Kanu having one bag packed for sunnier climes, it'll be a
tough ask.
West Brom may be relegated by Monday but I doubt this will have a bearing
either way on this game.
0-1
--
Cheers, Os
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| Re: [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #980622 ] |
Fri, 28 April 2006 17:07 |
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On Thu, 27 Apr 2006 16:06:59 GMT, Joe Horowitz presented this to
uk.sport.football:
>
> Middlesbrough hope to emulate this success against some Eastern European
> team or other tonight, but have a 1-0 deficit to overturn and a crestfallen
> English manager in charge. It doesn't look good.
>
It looked pretty good to me and the ghost of Tommocubed last
night. It was refreshing to see a team come from 3-0 down on
aggregate in europe to win 4-3, when was the last time we ever
saw that happen? I really hope Boro can win the final, just so
that Jimmy Floyd can get a medal. I've always thought him to be
one of the best all round strikers to grace the EPL yet he has
little to show for it.
> On to the games.
>
> ==
> Saturday, 29 April 2006
>
> Chelsea v Man Utd, 12:30
>
Everybody loves to have a moan about Chelsea these days; so I
might as well jump on the fucking bandwagon. It isn't the
bottomless pit of money or Mourinho's alleged arrogance that
annoys me, though. It's the fact that they let Frank Lampard
take damn near every single fucking free kick and corner, he
isn't even very good at it, he either blasts it as hard as he
can so it goes sailing into the crowd or he shoots it low along
the ground only to cannon off some player protecting his face or
nuts. Are we honestly supposed to believe they have no other
players capable of curling a free kick around the wall? I bet
Robben or Joe Cole could, maybe even that Irishman. I bet the
only reason Mourinho lets him take every set piece is because he
has him in his Yahoo team.
> ==
> Birmingham v Newcastle, 15:00
>
Thank fuck Shearer has retired.
> ==
> Liverpool v Aston Villa, 15:00
>
I like that Liverpool rested Stevie G against the Hammers on
Wednesday. I like that I have reached my first ever UKSF Yahoo
final and I fully deserved it, the Idle's form in the second
half of the season has been better than I ever expected, funny
how my upturn in form seems to have coincided with my
appointment as UKSF XI manager. Anyway, that's enough about me
for now, let's talk about you.
So, what do you think of me?
> ==
> Man City v Fulham, 15:00
>
Could Man City and Fulham become the Aston Villa and Spurs?
> ==
> Middlesbrough v Everton, 15:00
>
> See the above.
>
I'll see your above and raise you a sideways.
> ==
> Wigan v Portsmouth, 15:00
>
>
> I miss Cypher. :-<
>
I couldn't agree more, young Joe. I couldn't agree more. This
group needs more Cypher.
And SkyJam.
> ==
> Charlton v Blackburn, 17:15
>
What do you get if you cross a Charlton with a Blackburn?
Probably a Bolton.
> ==
> Sunday, 30 April 2006
> Tottenham v Bolton, 16:00
>
I have a feeling that Arsenal might just over take Spurs, at
least my predictions on the BBC webpredictothingy thinks so.
> ==
> Monday, 01 May 2006
>
> Oh, fuck off. I'm not doing all those.
>
I can't blame you, frankly, I'm amazed you made it this far.
Good luck on the Juicy coming home thing. If she stumbles or
drops one of her bags as she comes to greet you tell her,
'Poleson warned me that was going to happen, why didn't I
listen? WHY!!1?/!!!??'
--
poleson at gmail dot com
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| Re: [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #995400 ] |
Fri, 05 May 2006 08:10 |
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On Fri, 28 Apr 2006 16:07:13 +0100, Robert Poleson <sp [at] m.no> wrote:
>I like that Liverpool rested Stevie G against the Hammers on
>Wednesday. I like that I have reached my first ever UKSF Yahoo
>final and I fully deserved it, the Idle's form in the second
>half of the season has been better than I ever expected, funny
>how my upturn in form seems to have coincided with my
>appointment as UKSF XI manager. Anyway, that's enough about me
>for now, let's talk about you.
>
>So, what do you think of me?
I think that you're the best Robert Poleson ever.
I should probably state that I'm not a Robert Poleson expert by any
stretch of the imagination, and have barely given more than a casual
nod to the field of modern Robert Poleson research. Nor have I ever
owned my own Robert Poleson or even rented one for a weekend to
impress the womenfolk. And such has been my luck that I've never had
the opportunity to disassemble a Robert Poleson down to a bare chassis
before sticking it all back together again and wondering where all the
spare bits where meant to go. Also, try as I might, I've never been
able to germinate a single Robert Poleson in the same bed that was
content to provide me with an abundance of carrots, parsley, sweet
potatoes, lettuce, snow peas, and is even as I type popping out
pineapples by the twos, despite the fact that I forked out for the
finest Robert Poleson seed on the market. It would seem that my green
thumb goes brown whenever Robert Poleson is around.
Notwithstanding (I love that word like a freshly baked loaf) all of
the above, out of all the Robert Poleson's I have had the honour and
pleasure of encountering, you are by far and a way the best, bar none.
Oh, and you smell.....I don't know how to describe
it......comfortable? Is "comfortable" an adequate means of describing
a smell? Familiar perhaps?
--
Dat
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| Re: [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #995416 ] |
Fri, 05 May 2006 12:08 |
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Dat wrote:
>
> I think that you're the best Robert Poleson ever.
>
> Notwithstanding (I love that word like a freshly baked loaf) all of
> the above, out of all the Robert Poleson's I have had the honour and
> pleasure of encountering, you are by far and a way the best, bar none.
>
> Oh, and you smell.....I don't know how to describe
> it......comfortable? Is "comfortable" an adequate means of describing
> a smell? Familiar perhaps?
>
The sort of smell you'd want permeating through your house when you're
trying to sell it to someone who hates bread and coffee?
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| Re: [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #995433 ] |
Fri, 05 May 2006 14:40 |
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Dat <dat_004 [at] yahoo.co.uk> wrote in
news:ltql52hbt1q3n21o7fb76tcm3ogmbimga2 [at] 4ax.com:
>
> Notwithstanding (I love that word like a freshly baked loaf) all of
> the above, out of all the Robert Poleson's I have had the honour and
> pleasure of encountering, you are by far and a way the best, bar none.
I dunno, Poleson circa 1981 was pretty damned good. He was freaky and
prepared to take risks. He kissed the girls yunno. Bon Scott and peroxide
and no condoms, fuck that.
Yeh that Poleson was Kewell.
>
> Oh, and you smell.....I don't know how to describe
> it......comfortable? Is "comfortable" an adequate means of describing
> a smell? Familiar perhaps?
>
Mmmmmmm, Poleson.
--
Cheers, Os
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| Re: [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #1017469 ] |
Fri, 05 May 2006 18:05 |
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On Fri, 05 May 2006 11:08:44 +0100, Nigel <useweb [at] nospam.com> wrote:
>Dat wrote:
>> Oh, and you smell.....I don't know how to describe
>> it......comfortable? Is "comfortable" an adequate means of describing
>> a smell? Familiar perhaps?
>
>The sort of smell you'd want permeating through your house when you're
>trying to sell it to someone who hates bread and coffee?
Tbh, if I ever do decide to relocate I suspect I'll be aiming for a
bigger market. Perhaps people who hate bread. Perhaps people who hate
coffee. But both!?!? That's about three people in this whole
country.[1]
[1]Calculations not based on any actual facts and should therefore not
be used in works that depend upon anything close to the precise.
--
Dat
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| Re: [060429] - When Penultimate Saturday Comes [message #1017470 ] |
Fri, 05 May 2006 18:08 |
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On 5 May 2006 13:37:15 GMT, Osbourne Ruddock <strikeboy [at] hotmail.com>
wrote:
>Yeh that Poleson was Kewell.
So increasingly prone to injuries and labouring under the lofty
expectations of his homeland then?
I rest my thingy.
--
Dat
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